Your Weekly Horror-Scope

 Today you turn the page, and begin a new chapter in your life. Sadly for you, your life novel is a comedy. Expect a series of prat falls, stubbed toes, and the occasional pie in the face. all you need is a seltzer bottle and a rainbow wig and you'd make a great clown.

 Tempers will be flaring today, Aries. Perhaps you rub a co-worker the wrong way, or cut off the wrong person in traffic. Did you make a pass at someone elses girlfriend? Run over their dog? Steal their mail?  Either way, your sure to end up on someone's hit list. Lay low for a while.

 Your lover is unusual amorous today, Cancer.  A once cold and distant partner is suddenly treating you like the sun and moon. Have you changed your will or life insurance policy recently? Did you make a certain someone a benefactor? Cause you might want to check your jello for anti-freeze. Just sayin

A quick check of your bank balance might reveal that it's a bit lower than you expected, Capricorn. Did your wife take the checkbook and go shopping again? Did your kid get a little fast and loose with the credit card? Dont panic, im sure its nothing.  You probably just forgot your recent car payments or something.. or maybe, you need to go on a family ass kicking spree.

Your doomed. nuff said.

Have you made plans to have a romantic interest come to your home, Leo? If so, don't rush to get ready. Chances are, your date is not what you bargained for. Look for any excess facial hair, or perhaps and adams apple. No, its NOT normal for a woman to have a size 14 shoe.

Get any last minute shopping out of the way fast.  Or you may find yourself on the wrong end of robbery. Yep, a disgruntled ex employee, is probably going to try to take some hostages, so avoid the mall today.

Today the stars see you reading your horrorscope.

A gathering in your neighborhood could attract all your friends and many of your neighbors, Sagittarius. Is it time for a lynching already? Didnt we just have one last month? Well, get those crack heads, show em who's boss.

Everything may look wrong to you today, Scorpio. The house doesn't look right, the furniture needs adjusting, and you probably aren't happy with the way you look either.  Did you put your contact lenses in correctly?

Be afraid,  be very afraid.  Your mother in law is coming. Consider yourself warned.

A visitor to your house may have some juicy gossip for you, Virgo. Hopefully, the gossip isnt ABOUT you. Just try to control your urge to slap somebody. Im sure the neighborhood will be gossiping about someone new in a few days