Your Weekly Horror-Scope

Its time to come out of your mother's basement, Aries, and shake off those cobwebs. You find yourself in a lighthearted mood today, so feel free to poke the dog with that stick. Tripping old ladies is tons of laughs untill someone calls the cops. Be sure to keep a pack of firecrackers in your pocket, just in case you find something fun to blow up.

Other people's opinions get on your nerves today, Taurus. They should know better than to argue with you! Try to ease the temptation to burst through the screen and strangle someone. There is power behind your words today, so select some juicy ones! All your adversaries should just accept the fact that you are always right.

Today is a good day to run, Gemini. Running is good for the body, the soul, and for escaping the neighbors doberman. You will bring a smile to the face of all you meet today, as people can hardly contain their laughter. Hold your head up high and face the world without fear. because  that dumb look on your face it just hysterical.

Your as cuddly as a crab today, Cancer. Your in the mood to give out hugs, and you insist on groping everyone you meet.  Most people  give you a wide berth, as your touchy feely ness and mis matched socks send out a 'creepy stalker' vibe. Your lucky color is prison jumpsuit orange

Things are going your way today, Leo. All the stoplights are green, there is no line at the bank, and the teller hands over the money without question! Today is a good day for travel. I hear Aruba is nice this time of year. Ignore your accomplices who try to tell you how to do things. After all, your the guy with the gun.

You might as well not even get out of bed today! The stars see misfortune in your future. Slammed fingers, stubbed toes, and lost keys are in store today. You might want to stay home, or risk being taken hostage by a leo. Build yourself a bunker and lay low.

Today is a good day to practice your powers of hypnosis. People are putty in your hands as you play with their minds.  Get a virgo to flop around like a fish! Walk confidently down the street knowing you are in charge of so many. Just beware the crosswalks because you may be hit by a bus.

Today your feeling hostile, Scorpio, but what else is new. Find some small children and tell them there are monsters living under their beds. Have fun hiding grandma's glasses and watching her stumble around the house looking for them. Pushing a friend off the roof however, might be taking it a bit too far. Squashing innocent insects can brighten up any day.

A good day to  go for a long ride in the car, Sagittarius.  While sitting in traffic you may get caught picking your nose. Try to smile and not look embarrassed at the pretty girls laughing at you. Smile, instead of giving them the finger. At home do some gardening. Just remember where fido is buried, or you will get an unplesant surprise when planting those tomatos.

Your feeling competitive, so challenge a loved one to an arm wrestling contest. Enjoy calling them wussies when they lose. Your feeling romantic, so be sure to smack your partner on the backside to show your affection. someone close to you may draw a mustache on you in sharpie while you are passed out in front of the tv. Your lucky nickname is senor.

Today you cant help but wonder why everyone doesn't just let you have your way. Dont they realize you will just throw a giant temper tantrum if you dont get it? Your 'me first'  attitude rubs people the wrong way, and you have more enemies than you know.  you may find a scorpion in your bed, or anti freeze in your jello.Your the sign most likely to be assaulted by a Scorpio.

You feel great today, Pisces,  and you want to share your good feelings. Your the kind of person who gets punched in the face and just keeps on grinning. A dog may lift its leg on you on your way to work, but thats ok! The smell isnt as bad as everyone complains it is.  Even after stapling your thumb to your shirt, you just keep smiling.  Dont let that scorching case of diarrhea get you down, its a great day!