Your Weekly Horror-Scope
You may want to reconsider getting out of bed today, Aries. The powers that be are imposing strong forces in your direction, and you just might find yourself on the wrong end of a meteorite. Thats right, the sky is falling. Grab your ass in both hands and run like your life depended on it.
A sort of confusion sets in today, Taurus, and your having trouble finding your path. Should you go out? Should you stay home? Should you wear plaid? One thing is definitely for certain. You should really make sure you buy your fresh mushrooms from a REPUTABLE source. Drink some tea and watch pink floyd videos untill the dizziness passes.
Today you will receive a fabulous offer in an email from a sender you are not familiar with.You have just inherited 3 million dollars!! We just need your social security number, birth certificate, bank account amount, credit card numbers, phone number, home address, location of any spare house keys, and regular work schedule.. Fill it all out im SURE its legit...
Today is a great opportunity to get together with those other guys in your clan and play magic the gathering in your mom's basement. You can chat about how cool you are, how many chicks you'll get, and How you will all be big shots one day. Nothing turns a girl on like totinos pizza rolls stains on a grown mans tshirt. Your lucky charm is a pewter hobbit figurine
People just seem to want to keep you down today, Leo. Dont let those crybabies ruin your good mood! So what if gramma died, its a nice day! They will get over it. Its perfect weather for a nice joyride in the monster truck. Just be mindful of pedestrians. They are difficult to pry out of the axels.
A sleepy day for Virgo. You may find yourself nodding off now and then today, so make sure you've got a steady supply of caffeine on hand. Especially if you are Driving a big rig, operating a carnival ride, or piloting a 747. Today might be a good day to take a few dozen No-Doz. Perhaps you shouldn't have stayed up so late watching dirty movies?
Your in an odd mood today, Libra, but be careful what you say and do. Your loved one's offend easily.You just might find a 'dear john' letter waiting for you on the front door. Take a few days to reflect on where it all went wrong. Maybe it WASNT cute when you shaved her name on the dog? Perhaps the next time you want to profess your love, you should just buy flowers, instead of arranging all of her undies in a heart in the front lawn.
Today will be filled with bright, caring people, Scorpio.. You hate that. Have fun going around and giving random neighbors wedgies, wet willies, and indian burns. Not enough mayhem to get you arrested, but just enough to annoy everyone. That will teach them to tell you to 'have a nice day'
You woke up in a funk today. You feel like making the world pay for your crappy life, and you just may have a good plan. Just make sure that when you climb to the top of that belltower with your sniper rifle, that it isnt close to the hour. Being 3 feet away from blaring bell chimes can make you permanently deaf. Then how will you enjoy those gunshots?
You feel just wonderful today, Capricorn, and you have no idea why. Your all light and fluffy and smiling at everyone... Its kinda making you sick actualy. Maybe you should switch to decaf.
You have been searching for meaning in recent events, Aquarius. And you may be on to something. Tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, all point to something ominous on the horizon.. Youve put 2 and 2 together and are now convinced the end is nie. Good thing you have that bunker prepared under your house full of twinkies and gatoraid..
Today is a good day for love. Pisces. Post your profile on a dating service, or place an ad in the personals. Your in box will be overflowing with love notes from lonely sailors, 40 year old basement dwellers, and the occasional tranny.
You have your pick of the litter when it comes to love today. There is sure to be at least ONE winner in that kennel club!