sometimes i forget

how much of my personality is driven by my disability. i realized the other day that my name 'thing' is probably a part of that as well.
ive never liked using my real name. to me, its like a personal, secret code word, only reserved for people who know me well. acqauinteces and strangers get my nickname or a pseudonym.

even before the internet, i always went by a name other than my given name, and i never really could understand why i did this.  im not trying to be dishonest, im still ME, and i dont hide anything else about myself. i am always me no matter where i go. so why is name so secretive?

i suddenly dawned on me that this must be part of my severe social anxiety.  a way to protect myself from those without honest intentions. i dont really have any logical reason for it. but it is something that puzzles me.

and i always ALWAYS feel very uncomfortable using my real name, or introducing myself as such.

i feel so.. naked




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