Monday, August 30, 2010

Your Weekly Horror-Scope


You have natural leadership qualities, Aries, which makes you the perfect candidate for bossing people around. Your over-inflated sence of importance drives you to the top, and you dont care who you trample on the way up there. watch out for those knives in your back when you finally DO get up there. stepping on people to get ahead makes more enemies than friends.



Today you feel in control and on top of the world. You can do anything, Taurus. Except fly. DO remember that you cannot fly, Taurus.. Or there will be a terrible mess for the fireman to clean up later.




You may want to check the bushes outside your apartment today, Gemini. There just may be a stalker hanging around outside, waiting to get into the backseat of your car. But fear not, Gemini. A little mace goes a long way.







Just because you feel invincible doesn't necessarily mean that you are, Cancer. It IS noble to stand up to bullies in the hallway, But there is a fine line between being brave, and being stupid.  Charging headlong into the star quarterback demanding he leave Lenny the geek alone, might not be your wisest decision..





You need to loosen up a bit, Leo. You might cause yourself a stroke if you dont untighten those buttcheeks.  You know they make a pill for that. Its called Zoloft. look into it.




Its time to get up off your butt and meet some REAL people, Virgo. How far do you think an internet relationship is going to go? There is something to be said for actualy taking a shower and leaving the house now and then. Dont be alarmed by that warm stuff hitting your face. Its the sun.






You may meet a mysterious stranger today, Libra. Shady characters in trench-coats in a fedora, carrying a briefcase filled with top secret information, probably not likely. A shinny meth-head, with a mohawk and a spongebob t-shirt, is alot more likley.





Your ship has come in today, Scorpio, but dont let this unexpected windfall go to your head. Im sure the cops will catch wind of the missing money eventually,y and THEN where will you be? Hopefully in Mexico.. Book that flight before its too late.





You're likely aware of your writing abilities, Sagittarius, but you may not realize the extent of your talent. It would be worthwhile to devote more time to your craft. Write that threatening letter to your congressman. Tell the local newspaper all about your neighbor's illegal activities. Write that letter to the police department saying that you know where the bodies are buried.. Yeah, its going to be a GREAT day.




Tact isn't necessarily your strong suit, Capricorn. No one would accuse you of being overly sensitive to other people's emotions. Lets face it, you like to laugh at people who have just been fired, or whos lover just left them. What a bunch of losers!  Besides, crying is a show of weakness, am i right? Let those namby pambys have their 'emotions' Who needs em.




You got the wanderlust, Aquarius and its time to catch a plane somewhere.  Maybe you feel like traveling to the Orient.. Where there is terrible overpopulation, disease, and earthquakes. Ok, scratch that.. Maybe Bermuda... Where planes and boats suddenly dissapear without a trace.. ok maybe not. Perhaps the holy land? Where bombs and rockets are flying thru the air on a regular basis and restaurants get shot up by militants...
on second thought, maybe its better to stay home.




 You feel like getting into shape, lately Pisces. Thats not a bad idea. So get out there on that bike and make some miles disappear behind you. Just remember to bring a map.. or a compass.. Cause getting lost in the forest with nothing but a bike and tight spandex shorts is not going to be fun.

4 comments:

  1. I love horror scopes. I read these every week when u put them up. ;-P Hmmm...Cancer this week is interesting.

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  2. Oooh, will definitely read these. Virgo, hmm. . .I did shower, and meet new people, and sat out in the sun. . .yay, lol.

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  3. Untightening Buttcheeks, now to find some zoloft...

    Thanks for the heads up! lol

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  4. Untightening Buttcheeks, now to find some zoloft...

    Thanks for the heads up! lol

    ReplyDelete