Your Weekly Horror-Scope

Today may seem like any other day, but dont be fooled. The stars predict many unlikely scenarios in your immediate future. Winning the lottery, finding a wallet loaded with money, or stumbling into a previously undiscovered cavern, are all NOT very likely. What IS more likely, is falling down a flight of stairs, getting a toe caught in a lawnmower, or stumbling into a cave full of angry bears.

Don't be surprised if sometime during the day you feel angry for no apparent reason, Taurus. Thats because you just an easily irritated person. Did you REALLY need to flip that guy off at the gas station? So he got to the pump 3 seconds before you, let it go. Your 'me first' attitude is going to get you punched one day. Your lucky color is black and blue

Love is in the air, Gemini. Love for your fellow man, love for your animal friends, love for trees and rocks, love for soft fluffy pillows, love for wallpaper, the toaster oven, a loin of pork, and some watermelon seeds, and most of the contents of your garage.  You are just spreading that love around arent you? Neighbors point and stare as they catch you hugging the lamppost next to the driveway.  Perhaps you need a hobby.

Today is the perfect day for a picnic, Cancer. Grab that basket of goodies and go throw a big blanket down at the park, and have a nosh with a loved one. But remember the bug spray. Plan to be plagued by ants, wasps, bees, hornets, beetles, crows, rodents, squirrels, and the occasional stray dog. On second thought, better stay home today. Who needs bug spray all over the potato salad anyway?

Big change is headed you way, Leo. Changes at home or in the workplace. Plan on getting fired pretty soon, or having your girlfriend call you a jerk and slamming the door in your face. Just remember that these changes can be temporary. After all, your boss will HAVE to hire you back after you tie him up in his basement and hook up a car battery to his crotch, wont he?

A small sum of money could come your way today, Virgo. perhaps in a gift, found wallet, or a raise from your job. Dont celebrate too much just yet tho. Sure you have that nice little chunk of change in your pocket, but very soon you will suffer a GREAT downfall. Half your house will get crushed by a meteor, or your car will be flattened by that Scorpio down the street's monster truck. Sadly, your found money wont really be enough to cover the damages.

You may end up in the newspaper today, Libra. whether it be a prize winning tomato, or a gunman hiding in the bushes behind your house. Lets just hope its not the latter, hmm?

Scorpio, you might choose to do some volunteer work today or help a friend. Which is quite a stretch from your regular routine of pummeling anyone who crosses your path.  Perhaps its time to stop and smell the roses, and enjoy all the good that life has to offer. Just remember that when you help the old lady cross the street, you dont want to accidentally break her arm, dragging her  yelling "go go go!!"

 'As seen on TV' is one of your favorite phrases, as you busily order things  out of catalogs.  If it sounds too good to be true, its must be worth the money!! So go ahead and order that cellulite blasting cream, super zit-b-gone, and the magic tummy trimmer. They couldn't POSSIBLY let you down. Your lucky color is bankruptcy red.

Today you could recapture the joy in life that you had as a child, Capricorn. You remember, dont you? Hiding in the bushes and scaring girls with a spider. Tripping younger boys so that they fell in the mud. Throwing spitballs at figured of authority. Dont forget tho. When you do these things as an adult, there may be jail time involved.

Its panic attack time, as you feel surrounded and claustrophobic today. Perhaps it wasnt a good idea to take the subway. Find yourself a nice empty field and take a few hours to untie those inner knots.

You've been considering a new career, Pisces, and today might be a good day to take the plunge. There is a serious shortage of rubber dog poop salesman in the world, and you intend the fill the void. Just remember not to give up when a potential customer slams the door in your face. If they haven't got mace, its ok to try again! Just beware angry dobermans. They are difficult to persuade by offering them a lifetime supply of fart spray.


  1. O_O It's a good thing I'm not anywhere near an angry bear or a lawnmower. lol

    These were pretty funny. =P

  2. Well crap... I guess I better get my car battery and clamps ready.


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